<aside> ✨ As we’re nearing six months since the last eclipse group, Yanai, a member of our Scorpio Season Eclipse Group, has shared some drawings and doodles from that time along with some reflections.
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Hi Everyone,
My name is Yanai Eliyahu Feldman. I got to know kay while studying at Pomona College. I feel so fortunate to have met kay and have received so much care, kindness, intelligence, courage and ferocity from our friendship which is now about seven years old!
How are the things we discussed in the Scorpio group sitting with me?
Well here are some things I took away from the group and from my conversations with kay. Stream of conscious I remember sharing a lot of dreams, dreams that account for the desire to be grounded, for structure, for stability, for building an identity, for a partnership. The dreams also got aroused by a sense of adventure….traveling and speaking other languages and sailing and hiking and doing things in nature.
We spoke a lot about how to reconcile these two seemingly opposing tendencies of self.
For me this took root in the form of a plan that would have me going from one structured opportunity somewhere in the world to another short term structured opportunity somewhere else in the world before hoping to be settled in a longer term commitment of a year or more yet somewhere else in the world. My dad said he believed we should change our profession once every seven years in a way that builds on the previous seven years. What if I translated that into, my next long term commitment should have me living somewhere for seven years. Learning that language for seven years. Getting connected to the people there for seven years. Just a thought for now, but one that continues to arise and rearise in me.
I took some steps in the direction of this plan. I’m struggling, to be honest, and I’ve failed miserably, hahahaha. The next step is to go to India for a farming program which I applied to and raised funds to pay for! But the weight of family beliefs and heavier attachments make even that questionable. It’s good for me to continue to connect with this community because it lightens me up and gives me the motivation and support to follow my dreams. Which in this context don’t seem so ridiculous or stupid or whimsical or untimely as my family context would have them seem……
What does healing mean to me?
Well, healing to me at this moment calls to mind a few different words I’ve encountered lately that all feel somewhat synonymous. Or There’s a working hypothesis that they’re synonymous. The first word is “unburdening”, which comes from a form of therapy I’ve been doing known as Internal Family Systems therapy. That form of therapy honors the psyche as a complex multiplicity of parts, much like a family is a complex organization of people. Some of these parts hold pain in the form of memories, images, somatic sensations, etc. and some of these parts protect the in pain parts from pain through beliefs and ideas and patterns, unburdening is relatively new to me, I think I had my first experience of it only a matter of weeks ago. But to my understanding, unburdening is when the parts of us that are holding on to pain, let it go.
I recently had a conversation with someone who has done a lot of insight meditation and who does Buddhist studies. A word he used to describe the experience of letting go of, for example, chronic tension in the Jaw or tightness in the chest, is “integration.” He described listening deeply to these uncomfortable sensations, he described memories and feelings from the distant past come up in association with these sensations. As he continued to listen, he watched as the tension subsided, and perhaps as the feelings of “stuckness” downloaded in the memory gave way. He speaks about his voice has opened up over the past year and his singing voice is available to him in profoundly new ways.
This resonates with my experience last week. When I felt the pain in my throat start to fade away in real time. It hasn’t gone away for good, but when I speak now I am often surprised by the deeply resonant voice that emerges from my chest. When I described this to a Buddhist monk, he spoke thus, “good job, slowing down. Not acting from your pain.”
I think integration and unburdening are related to something scientific I recently read about the use of psychotropic medication in tandem with ifs therapy. It talked about Trauma, it talked about the brainstem, and the image that is coming to mind for me when I think of that article and nervous tissue is like a bunch of rigid, inflamed, and torn to pieces matter becoming properly wet, pliable, smooth, and internally consistent - like the buddhas image of kneading dough. The article was given to me by an ifs therapist. Here it is : http://www.derekscott.co/rs/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/8c7f30_b7d797e03a3546a08a8529692f826fd0.pdf
What does astrology mean to me?
To me astrology means time and planning. It means a system that taps into this natural spatiotemporal reference frame. This system of coordinates that’s above us ALL THE TIME and that’s insanely beautiful and mysterious. Like why are we like “let’s meet at noon for lunch”, why aren’t we making use of our goddamn innate intelligences and being like, “let’s meet at the park for lunch when the shadow of the sun as a projection of TREE X is nearly 0.” Why are we like “I’m going to change my job when it feels right or when I’ve made enough money or…..” and instead why aren’t we like “I’m going to change my job when CONSTELLATION Y is at this position with respect to PLANETARY OBJECT Z.” Lol. It’s clear how little I know of actual astrology. But I guess astrology says hey, “that moment it feels right to change your job, that’s deeply connected to what’s happening above. Our little human affairs and dramas, they’re mirroring what’s happening in the BIG COSMIC dramas. Looking at the BiG COSMIC dramas can help bring clarity, if you allow it.”
I really struggle with planning and coordination. Like it’s too much for my mind to hold these days….I have an intention to let all that go and surrender that work to the stars or for the time being to Kay haha….seriously and not seriously. I think a lot of healing within me needs to take place, like work related to trust, grounding, and concentration, before that shift can take place. Or Maybe the stars are already doing that work for me? Ahhhh, the dualities of My happiness depends on my actions and I have no control over and am not to expect to enjoy the effects of my actions.
What does liberation mean to me?
It means I can communicate using all these different metaphors that get into me on a daily basis. Everyone’s using metaphors all the time! Ones we can locate in something we call “science”, others we can locate in a field we call “buddhism”, yet others we can locate in a field we call “mathematics”, others we can locate in a field we call “music”, others we can locate in a field we call “natural”, others we can locate…..
they’re all reference frames! One of Kay’s major reference frames of understanding is astrology. Another major reference frame for Kay is ecofeminism. And at different times some reference frames are more prominent than others. For me, Buddhism is a primary frame of reference. IFS Therapy is another. At another time it was math and at yet another time it was Russian literature.
On the personal level, It means that all my old wounds and all the systems of oppression, all the systems of beliefs, designed to protect me from the pain of change, are healed and leveled. It means infinite space and infinite time to create something actually new. It means the strength and flexibility to construct new beliefs and when those beliefs are no longer serving the larger purpose of LIBERATION FOR ALL BEINGS NO EXCEPTIONS, large and small, those beliefs can get easily Deconstructed and new ones can again be constructed that better serve the purpose. It’s not that I don’t want to experience pain — if it’s for a good purpose—, it’s that I don’t want to experience the same damn pain through the same damn old patterns and beliefs. Like food actually tastes good and nourishing when I’ve made a REAL effort, even when the “OBjective” has failed in the realm of intellect and goal, it has not failed in the realm of spirit and love. Food is honestly part of my trauma when I am eating and no spiritual effort has been made whatsoever. That’s not to say restricting is the solution. The solution is rather an effort of the soul. I wish to be better and more consistent with that effort.
What does holistic understanding mean to me?
Holistic understanding I think is when someone can understand the intended meaning. What is underneath the clothes of many metaphors.
And yet at the same time a holistic understanding is one that can look at a situation and make use of several different frames of reference to understand it. So like the I Ching as a book of wisdom, offers 64 perspectives from which to understand the situation. Each of these 64 perspectives are composed of two of eight bigger picture perspectives.
Many of us, including me, are suffering from having downloaded too many perspectives without the proper ability to integrate and let go. Too much knowledge and not enough wisdom. Too many perspectives that have not yet become the “whole” in holistic. I struggle with indecision. I go to the perspectives offered. And I still struggle afterwards! It never helps me! At this point in my development I need to start integrating and paring down. That has to happen at the subconscious level.
What do I ponder about often?
Lately, I’m sorry to say I’m not so happy to share what that is. Lately my pondering is self and anxiety driven “where do I go? What do I do? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Why might that be good for me? Why might that be good for the people around me? When would be a good time to go? What’s the plan? Who do I call to ask for advice? In what ways would it align with my heart? In what ways am I dishonoring my heart? What does it mean to honor my heart? What does that look like? Where do I go to honor my heart? What do I do to honor my heart? Have I ever really followed my heart? Am I……..a coward.
As I write these questions down, I realize that they are good questions. Really good questions and I invite you all to answer them if you are so compelled to.
One thing I realized not too long ago and as a result of not working for SOOOOO LONGGGGGG and from suffering from ISOLATION is that a question from another person is a blessing. It’s like the blessing of good work. Work is a blessing. And for an oracle, a question is a godsend. Put me to work, Goddammit! Yanai, put yourselves to work! They’re starving for it.
What do I love doing?
I love answering questions posed by Erica. I love impersonating people in an improvisational way with my friend Davis. I love going on exploratory walks, approaching the colors or objects that catch my attention and moving on. I love meditating. I love 5Rhythms. I love devotional singing. I love doing what the person I’m with loves to do——I don’t know what that says about my Attachment type! I love spaces of vulnerability.
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